


A Choir Of The Coldest Hearts

by ElephantCactus



Category: All Time Low (Band), My Chemical Romance, Pierce the Veil, Sleeping With Sirens, Tonight Alive, Waterparks (Band), We Are the In Crowd
Genre: Afterlife, Blood, Drug Use, F/F, Fantasy, Ghosts, High School, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Tagging, Latin, M/M, Magic, Possible Character Death, Spells & Enchantments, Underworld, Warlocks, Witches, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:35:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 14,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26472739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElephantCactus/pseuds/ElephantCactus
Summary: After dealing with the loss of his brother, Vic is spiraling. He blames himself for his brother's death, and honestly, who wouldn't? But he's a warlock who goes to a sorcery school for teenagers like him. So necromancy seems like the obvious solution, right?Vic ends up in a situation he didn't plan to be in, as his world is turned upside down. The God that provides for them and fuels their power doesn't seem so kind anymore. And worst, or best of all, there's a strange dark-haired boy full of mysteries that can't seem to keep away.© 2020 ElephantCactus.  All rights reserved.
Relationships: Awsten Knight/Geoff Wigington, Jack Barakat/Alex Gaskarth, Taylor Jardine/Jenna McDougall, Vic Fuentes/Kellin Quinn
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	1. A Choir Of The Coldest Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> haha so my brain decided to write this instead of sleeping so here you go. I'll probably update around once a week...who knows. There will be mention of drugs/drug usage later (it's a made-up drug, it doesn't actually exist). It won't be very detailed but please proceed with caution. DON'T DO DRUGS.
> 
> Anyway, please enjoy and thanks for reading! Feel free to leave comments and kudos. It would mean a lot to me if you did. This is also on Wattpad under the same name.

The trees stretch their leafless limbs up toward the dark sky littered with stars. A breeze runs through the forest, making leaves rustle on the forest ground. The only other sound besides the owl hooting is the footsteps around me and the sound of my body being dragged across the ground. 

We’re moving too fast for me to struggle. The hands latched around my arms and legs don’t let up, even as I thrash, struggling to free myself. My back hits a root or rock every so often, making me yelp in pain, but I can’t hear the sound over my heart beating. The lights of the familiar castle aren’t visible from the dark woods as I’m dragged farther and farther away. There’s no one to save me, no chance anyone will be able to hear me if I scream.

I should have known this was going to happen. Honestly, what did I expect? That I was going to be able to hide from our Father, the Ghost King forever? The almighty, the Source of Power himself. Not when he wanted me, not when he was determined. 

At last, I see the lights, fire flickering at the edge of torches. Several figures in robes stand in a circle. But they’re not human. I can see their eyes glittering from under the folds of fabric, pale hands crisscrossed with a spiderweb of veins as they watch me being dragged in. Curiosity radiates off of them as more appear, shadowed by the darkness away from the torches. But I’m looking for him. 

One of them approaches, a pale figure dressed in scarlet like the rest. He holds in his hand a gleaming knife, words etched in gold on the side. _Serva nos, pater mortis._

I try to struggle against my captors, but they hold me still as the figure nears me. He looms over me, turning the knife in his hand as I desperately plead, begging him not to. For a moment, he looks sympathetic, pity in his eyes, before he slashes the knife across my stomach.

I gasp out in pain, the sound muffled by the gag that’s pressed into my mouth. Warm blood spills down my front as I’m carried into the center of the circle of torches. The figures seem to press closer, staring at me curiously as my captors tie me down, the rough ropes digging into my skin. I cran my neck, trying to see who it is, but I only catch a glimpse of flickering green before whoever it is disappears. 

The figures press closer to me, the one with the knife kneeling down in front of me. He mutters something before he stands up, turning his back to me. The rest of the hooded figures lift their arms, voices echoing across the clearing. I can’t make out what they’re saying. They’re chanting too quickly, words flying by too fast for me to catch anything besides a few words. 

_Pater, neca filium suus. Trahe eum casā suis, noster pater mortis._

Pain burns everywhere in my body as I bite back a scream. The cut on my stomach throbs, burning as the voices grow louder and louder. I struggle to breathe, feeling my lungs tightening as I gasp. Darkness seeps into the edges of my vision as I struggle. I don’t want to die here today, but at this point, I think it’s inevitable. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I see him kneel down in front of me, the silver skull-shaped medallion glittering in the firelight. In his right hand, the knife gleams. I can see my own reflection in the blade, my blue-green eyes wide and reflected. He looks pitiful, sympathetic as he reaches out with one hand, brushing my forehead. In my mind, I imagine myself hurling curses at him, screaming at him for taking my life away. But I can only let out a soft groan as the knife presses into my skin, pain flooding me until there’s just darkness and I’m alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my latin might be really bad, sorry about that. If I got the declensions/conjugations wrong, feel free to let me know lol. FYI, later on in the story (since I'm assuming most of you can't read latin), I'll put the translations right next to it. Just can't do it here for plot reasons haha.


	2. I’ve Wrote This Line A Thousand Times

The old stone castle rises in front of me, candles flickering in the windows. Ivy creeps up the sides, tendrils snaring over the loose gray stones and mortar, the sun peeking out from behind the towers. Chattering students rush past me from where I stand, staring. It’s so familiar. I almost want to pretend it is last year. Before everything happened. 

Taking a deep breath, I start forward, slinging my knapsack over my shoulder as I go. I can feel the stares of other students digging into my back as I walk across the green lawn toward the building, tugging my hood lower over my face. I already know what they’re gonna say. I can already hear the whispers in my mind. 

“I thought he was dead.”  
“Vic’s back?”  
“I heard about his brother.”  
“Didn’t he kill—”

The thought makes hot tears spring into my eyes but I brush them away, pushing open the large wooden doors. Voices echo through the stone room as I see familiar students milling around in the grand hall. I keep my head down, knowing the gazes are following me as I push through the crowd, heading toward the flight of stone stairs stretching up the backside of the hall. At the second landing, I turn, climbing a steep winding set stone stairs leading toward the boy’s dorms. 

I’m out of breath by the time I reach the top of the twisting set of stairs. It would be a dark hallway, but a giant window spans the end, letting in the bright fall light. Candles flicker in their nooks, some orange, some red, some blue, kept alive by magic. 

I scan the numbers, checking the slip of paper in my hand until I reach the wooden door at the end of the hall. The familiarity of it all makes my stomach churn again, it could easily be last year. Voices sound through the door and I frown, confused. No, it’s definitely my room. I knock lightly on the door, waiting apprehensively before it’s thrown open. 

“You’re back!” I hear a familiar voice shout before arms are thrown around me, hugging me.   
“Hi,” I say, my voice muffled by a jacket. “Nice to see you too.”  
Alex takes a step back, looking me over. “You’re—”  
“Not dead?” I let out a small laugh. “Yeah. I know.”  
“Okay, my turn,” Jack calls before he launches himself at me, squeezing me tightly.   
“Ow,” I gasp, shoving him away after a few moments. “Are you trying to kill me?”

I look both of them over. It’s been half a year since I’ve last seen them, and I have to admit, I’ve missed them both. Both of them seem a bit taller, or maybe I’ve shrunk. Alex’s hair is no longer green; it’s back to its normal brown and scruffier than last time. Jack is scruffy as always, his hair sticking up in inhuman ways. 

“How are you?” Alex asks.   
I shrug, tucking my hands into my pockets. “I’m okay,” I mumble. “Right now at least.”  
“We’re here if you need us, ‘Kay?” Jack nudges me, making me smile. At least they seem to care. 

~*~*~*~*~

It’s too nice to stay inside the dorms, so after Jack and Alex help me set up my room, we head outside. The grounds are so familiar as we wander around them, out of the main building of the castle. Our rooms are located near the top of the eastern tower, the one closest to the sprawling woods behind the school. We’re not supposed to be in the forest at night, the risk of meeting malevolent spirits and vengeful ghosts too high. But during the daytime, the spirits tend to stay away, drawn into the darkness, giving the three of us the freedom to amble through the woods. The orange leaves crunch below our sneakers as we make our way down the trails. 

I skid to a halt at the edge of the lake, making Alex crash into me.   
“What—” his voice trails off as he sees the view in front of me. It’s beautiful. The oranges and reds of the leaves reflecting into the undisturbed surface of the water. A bird calls in the distance, the sound echoing across the mountains. Jack, of course, has no qualms about picking up a smooth gray stone off the beach, skipping it across the surface of the water. The magic of the scene is disturbed as soon as the first ripple spreads. 

“Way to ruin it,” Alex groans, elbowing Jack.  
Jack shrugs, skipping down to the edge of the water. I exchange a glance with Alex, rolling my eyes but I can’t help but laugh, following him as we chase Jack through the woods. At last, the three of us collapse on a grassy hillside, several miles from the school. My sides hurt from laughing, but it’s the best I’ve felt in a long time, at least since the accident happened.


	3. They Glow But Not For You

“C’mon!” Mike calls.  
“Slow down!” I yell after him, scrambling to pedal faster to catch up to him. He just ignores me, biking faster down the road, toward the house. It’s such a nice summer day, a day in which nothing could go wrong. 

But by the time I catch up to him, he’s disappeared into the house, leaving his bike lying on its side, the back tire still spinning. 

I move to follow him when the dream changes and I’m standing in my living room. It’s a mess, the couches torn up, books thrown across the room. 

“Mike?” I call apprehensively as I walk around the house. There’s no one here. That’s strange. 

A blow hits me out of nowhere, making me gasp. I only barely register that I’ve been stabbed, warm blood trickling down my front from where the knife has been lodged in my stomach, the handle glowing blue. _Neca. _Kill.__

____

“I’ve been searching for you,” a voice sneers. I try to breathe through the pain, struggling to get to my feet. The man is older, graying, his cruel eyes twinkling at us. In his right hand is a knife, identical to the one he stabbed me with, glowing blue with the same word. But this one is pressed against Mike’s throat.  
“Leave him alone,” I rasp.  
He simply laughs at me. “Why would I do that?” He asks. “Don’t you know how hard warlocks like you are to find?” His words send chills down my spine. We had been warned before of these people. These hunters. Humans who tried to kill us for being more powerful. I try to summon my magic, but the loss of blood makes my head spin. Panic fills me as I struggle to reach my power, but I can't.  
“You should be dead by now,” the man mutters. “How are you doing this?” I look down to see a spiderweb of blue cracks appearing in my skin, glowing strangely. They pulse spreading across my skin, the pain following, but somehow, I’m still alive, even as the glowing blue reaches my heart.  
“Let him go.” I’m begging now. “Please. You can kill me. Just let him go.”  
“I don’t think so,” the man sneers. “For the Light King!” He crows as he slices the knife across my brother’s throat. In a flash of blue, scarlet blood spills out, too much of it, until it’s too late, even as I struggle to reach him.

____

I jolt awake, sitting up straight in my bed, gasping. The drapes on my window flutter slightly, revealing the still dark sky. I check my clock, realizing it’s five in the morning. I only slept for a few hours then.

____

I lean my head into my hands, the memories flashing by. The man looming over me as I struggled to reach my brother, knife gleaming in his hand ready to take my life too. The frustration, anger as I tried to defend him and failed. The way my anger finally exploded, through the pain radiating through my whole body. I didn’t have to utter a word, a spell, anything. The magic exploded, sending shockwaves of fire rang through the room. How the man screamed, flames melting his skin, flesh peeling off his bones until he was dead as well. 

____

But none of it matters because Mike is dead. And it’s my fault. 

____

The tears come, stinging my face. I take in a shuddering breath then another. I wish I could just forget everything. I try to muffle my sobs, knowing how thin the walls are. I don’t want to wake Alex and Jack, let them know that I’m really not okay, no matter how much I pretend that I am. As much I want to scream that I need their help, wave a sign saying HELP ME in bold letters, I push everything down. I don’t want them to worry about me. They think I’m okay, and that’s all they need to know. 

____

But the anger and grief are too strong, waves and waves crashing through me as I bury my face in my arms. I can’t breathe, my head swimming with darkness, the only sound in the room is my heart pounding in my ears, quick and fast. A reminder that I’m alive and he’s not. 

____

I’ve never used it before, but I know what it is. VN, that’s what it’s called. It’s illegal, obviously, everyone knows that. Highly addictive and powerful. But I’ve heard that it helps. And right now, I’ll give anything, literally anything for the memories to vanish. I’ll give anything for the feelings to go away, give anything for it to all be replaced with a gray numbness because feeling nothing is better than feeling way too much at the same time. 

____

As I tiptoe down the hallway, some part of me screams at me to turn back, to stop at Jack and Alex’s door instead. But I pass their door without a sound. It’s just one time, the other part argues. Just once. Then I’ll never do it again. I just need it for tonight. That’s it. Just once. 

____

I take a deep breath before I knock on the door twice. My heart races and I almost lose my nerve right then and there, but the dream comes back to me, Mike’s face flashing in my mind. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to breathe. I need to—I can’t keep living like this. It’s too much, the emotion bubbling up inside of me, screaming to break free. I need something to help me out of this. 

____

Eventually, the door creaks open, a tired-looking Craig emerging.  
“Fuentes?” he yawns. “What do you want?”  
“I need—” I stop, forcing myself to take a deep breath. “I need whatever you have.”

____


	4. I Wanna Feel Weightless

“What the hell even is this?” I ask, examining the strange green pills. “Can you even eat this?”  
“Venenum,” Craig replies. He sees my confused glance. “Potion. Or venom, depending on the translation. God, Fuentes, I thought you were acing Spell Casting.”  
I just roll my eyes. “Does it work?”  
Craig shrugs. “Works like a charm if you want every worry knocked clean from your head. Blocks out the memories for half a day usually. I’d take two a day at most.”  
“I’ll take a bottle then,” I say. “How much?”  
“Pay me later,” Craig says.  
“You got it,” I nod. “Thanks.”  
I’m turning to leave when Craig stops me.   
“You want to come out to the woods tonight?” Craig asks. “We’re throwing a party.”  
I hesitate, then nod. “Why not?” I’m already screwed anyway, that’s why I’m here talking to Craig. What’s one more thing gonna do? 

~*~*~*~*~

I’m honestly doing okay. For the past week, two pills a day keeps me going, keeps me moving through the day. No one notices, or maybe they do and I can’t pay attention enough to know they are. I’ve been more irritable lately, headaches coming and going. Jack and Alex have noticed, I know, but they don’t press me when I tell them it’s nothing. But I’m honestly doing alright, at least that’s what I tell myself. I’m doing okay, for now at least. That’s all I need, to make it through the next hour, the next day. The future can wait for now, at least until I’m able to breathe through the memories on my own. 

Every night, I sneak out through the dark hallways, a light cradled in the palm of my hand. I’ve perfected an invisibility spell, allowing me to slip past the teachers patrolling the hallway and into the cold air. Sometimes, I don’t go to the parties, just spend the night wandering through the forests. It’s probably the fault of the venenum, but I don’t really care anymore. I can defend myself well enough if I do happen to get attacked by any spirits. If not, well, I guess that’s the end for me. 

But some nights, I do go to the parties. There are several places they meet, usually once or twice a week. The forests are filled with abandoned buildings, hidden just well enough foremost of them to never be found. Craig’s found a lot of them though, enough for us to rotate between them each night. 

I pull my hood up as I walk through the woods. The music and voices grow louder as I climb up the hill, looking down at an abandoned structure at the bottom of the dip. It seems to be a small group today, just Craig and a few other people. 

Some people lift their hands in greeting as I walk through the crowd, grabbing one of the red plastic cups. 

“You came!” Craig calls from where he’s sitting around a roaring fire.   
I let a smile come onto my face as I sit down between him and another boy. “What’s going on?” I ask.   
“Did you hear that the school is haunted?” Craig asks.   
“Haunted?” I ask, taking another sip of the sweet liquid from the red plastic cup. Earlier, I took the venenum. It gives me a light feeling, like a buzz, relaxation filling me. I feel like I can float away, the memories and pain no longer weighing me down. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love it. That being said, it’s only good for a few hours, before everything starts to crash around me.   
“Yeah,” he says nonchalantly. “Some kid hung himself in the east tower.”  
“No he was murdered,” a different kid pipes up. “Dragged into the forest and stabbed.”  
“He just ran away,” the boy sitting next to be groans. He’s in my class—I think his name is Oli, but I’ve never really talked to him. “Stop spreading the rumors.”  
“What happened?” I ask.  
“No one really knows what happened to him,” Oli explains. “He just disappeared.”  
“You know,” Craig says. “They say that if you go to the tower, you can still hear him sometimes.”  
“What kind of shit legend is that?” I ask, taking another swig.   
“A true one,” Craig protests. “No one knows exactly how, but a kid died here, a long time ago.”  
“Why would you even care about that?” the other boy asks. “People die all the time.” Oli elbows him sharply and he flashes a guilty look at me.   
“Because they say he’s the son of the Ghost King.”   
“Yeah right,” I scoff. “That’s impossible.”  
“Is it?” Craig asks, sounding hurt.   
“Course,” Oli says dryly. “Haven’t you been paying attention. Our father, the great GK is above everything, above all of us. He’s almighty.”  
I shift uncomfortably at his words, unease running through me. I highly doubt the Ghost King actually cares about what a group of teenagers is saying, but still, sometimes I worry. He could appear at any moment, killing us with a snap of his fingers. Anyway, we should be grateful to him. He is kind and benevolent, no matter what Oli says. He provides for us, gives us our powers, gives us life. Without him, we’d be lost, right?


	5. Like A Rush Shot Through You

It’s uncharacteristically humid out. The air hangs heavily around us as we drag ourselves to and from classes. I shift in my chair, trying to focus, but honestly, I couldn’t care less. It’s the last class of the day, the most boring one too. History of our world. If it were something more interesting, like spell casting, I probably wouldn’t be falling asleep as quickly. The familiarity of it all pangs me. If it was last year—no, I won’t think about it. 

I stare down at my notebook, blank except for the random doodles littering the page. There are a few strange symbols that I don’t recognize, a diamond with a cross through it, a circle with a feather inlaid in the center. Strangest of all, there is an outline sketch of a boy’s face, though who he is, I’m not sure. I swear, I recognize him from somewhere though. Maybe it’s just the venenum, making me see things. 

“We draw our power from the Ghost King, our holy father,” Mr. Radke drones on as usual. “He gives us life and in turn, we serve him. He is the essence of life, the essence of everything.” I could practically repeat his spiel from memory at this point.  
“Many of our kind have been prosecuted, by those who believe in the False King. The False King, also known as the Light King is powerless against the Ghost King,” he continues. “As you all know, the Ghost King is the almighty, our kind and benevolent leader.” The words send a shiver down my spine, the memories flooding to the surface, but I push them away. I see a few of my classmates flash me sympathetic glances, but I just shrink lower in my chair, pulling my hood over my face. 

“Our magic primarily comes from red curses,” Mr. Radke says. “Drawn from the power of the Ghost King. Blue comes from the Light King, the spells that the Servers of the Light use.” Blue, my mind whispers. Like the knife, the glowing knife that’s haunted my dreams for so long. Why didn’t it kill me? It should have.

“Fuentes!” I look up to see Mr. Radke staring at me. “Are you even paying attention?”  
“Yeah,” I mumble, my face heating up. Of course I got caught.  
“It doesn't seem like you are,” he says.  
Maybe it’s the venenum coursing through my system, making me uncharacteristically reckless, but I throw caution to the winds. “Well, if you were so certain, why did you ask me, huh? Just to prove you’re an asshole?”  
Mr. Radke’s face goes cold. “Stand up,” he instructs. “Since you’re so eager to learn, how about you act as the demo today?”

I stand up, shoving past him as I make my way to the front of the room. I’m itching for a fight, my blood boiling under my skin. My powers are there—I’m ready, but I’m hit with a spell before I even register him following me. 

I hastily throw up a shield, the letters glowing red in the air as a wall expands between me and Mr. Radke, protecting me from the spells that fly toward me, the red sparking against red. He doesn’t stop, throwing spell after spell as I block them, one after another, as they rain down on me. I stagger backward, barely holding my own as I try to defend myself. 

“You think that you are going to get a pass in my class this year?” Mr. Radke taunts. “Just because your brother—”

“ _Stop it! _” The words appear in the air, shimmering and purple as Mr. Radke is thrown backward. Everyone stares at me in shock. I’m standing there stunned, trying to process what happened. I just threw him backward. In English, nonetheless. The purple words flash through my mind again. Purple. Not red or blue. Purple.__

__“What the hell?” I hear someone mutter as I stare. That’s not possible. It’s supposed to be red. But it’s purple, clear as day. A perfect mix between red and blue. It’s never done this before. I think back to all the times last year and all of my spells. They were always red, or barely tinted with blue. Never purple before._ _

~*~*~*~*~ 

I run out of the room at a blind sprint, just trying to get out of the classroom and away from the stares. I take a left, then a right, running through the twisting maze of hallways before I collide head-on with someone.  
“Shit!” I wince, snapped out of my daze.  
“Hey, sorry about that,” I look up to see a blond girl standing there, looking at me concerned.  
“It’s okay,” I say awkwardly. “It was my fault. I wasn’t watching where I was going.” Right now, all I want to do is get back to my dorm room.  
“Are you okay?” she asks.  
“Yeah,” I breathe out harshly. “I’m fine.” 

“I’m Jenna,” she says, extending her hand. “I’m new this year.”  
“Vic.” I take her hand. “Welcome, I guess.” For a moment, I tense, wondering how much she’s heard about me. Is she going to ask, like everyone else has?  
“Sorry to have to ask you,” she says and I take a breath, ready to answer with a retort. “Do you know where Mr. Way’s classroom is? I can’t seem to find it.”  
I let out a sigh of relief, a strange smile spreading across my face. “Oh, yeah. It’s down the hall, third door on the right.”  
Jenna seems a bit confused, but she nods. “Thanks. See you around, I guess.”  
“See you.” 

As soon as I get back to my room, I sink to the floor, leaning against the door. _Purple._ The word flickers in my mind as I open my hand.  
“ _Ignis_ ,” I whisper. Fire. The words flash, red this time, though they are tinted with a slight bit of blue, making them more of a violet. So I didn’t imagine it. Something is different about me. I’m powerful—unheard of levels of powerful. 

Deep down, hope sparks, a small flame flickering, just like the one in my hand, but it grows stronger and stronger. I’m powerful. I might just be able to pull this off. 


	6. Can We Create Something Beautiful And Destroy It?

Necromancy. The practice of communicating with the dead. It’s supposed to be impossible—believe me, many have tried, none succeeding. But somehow, I think I might be able to pull this off. 

Not many people know this, obviously, because who other than me tries to summon the dead? But there’s a stack of textbooks in the back corner of the library dedicated to the subject. They aren’t in good condition, the pages yellow with age, the paint flaking off the spine, but it’s enough. There’s a faint symbol drawn on each of the covers, a diamond on a few, a circle on others, and random other symbols that are too faded for me to make out. 

I light a flame in the lantern beside me, flipping the first one open. It’s not in any language I understand, probably Gaelic, so I put it aside, flipping the next one open. 

I read until my head is swimming with Latin verbs.   
I skip most of my classes for the next week, staying huddled in the back corner of the library. I put an invisibility spell around myself, shielding myself from any curious eyes. 

It seems like a tricky spell, but I think I can manage it, at least with some help. 

I knock on Jack and Alex’s door, leaning against the wall across as I hear a commotion before Jack opens the door.   
“Where have you been?” he exclaims. “It’s like you disappeared.”  
“Wow, look who finally decided to appear,” Alex says dryly as he pulls me into the room, shutting the door behind him. “So, what’s going on?”  
“I need your help,” I say. I hand him the textbook. “I want to find my brother.”

Alex and Jack watch me as I wave my hands, the stones on the ground realigning themselves. I look down at the diagram again, tracing it with my finger before I rearrange the stones again. Satisfied, I take a step back, glancing at my work. There’s a circle of stones in front of me, other stones forming a diamond inside. Alex hands me the two long wooden stakes and I step into the stones, placing the stakes in a cross at the center.   
“You sure this is going to work?” Jack asks. “5th century magic textbooks weren’t the most accurate in spells, you know.”  
“It’s worth a shot,” I reply, checking the diagram again. Yeah, that seems right.   
“How exactly is this supposed to work?” Jack questions.   
“Uh, well the stones will trap any ghost that enters them.”  
“Why would he enter it?”  
“Because he’ll be drawn to my blood,” I say. “The closer the spirit is to you, the more he’ll be drawn. He won’t even know it before he’s back in this world.”  
“Your blood?” Alex asks.   
I pull out a knife from my pocket and Jack raises his eyebrows.   
“What the hell,” he sighs. “How am I not surprised?”   
I roll my eyes, tossing him the book. I quickly slice the knife down the center of my palm, letting out a hiss of pain. It stings as I turn my hand over, letting my blood drip onto the cross. 

“ _Sana_ ,” I whisper. Heal. The cut on my hand burns for a moment before it closes, leaving nothing but a faint line where it once was. Satisfied, I step out of the circle, walking toward Jack and Alex. 

“Blood magic?” Alex says, exasperated. “Really, Vic?”  
I shrug, grabbing the book from Jack. “What else did you think I’d use?”  
“Not a dangerous form of magic,” Alex sighs. “Especially when you are involving the dead.”  
“Whatever,” I say, turning back to the circle. As soon as I put my hand out in front of me, the whole thing shimmers a vibrant shade of purple. 

“It’s still purple?” Jack asks.   
“Yeah.” I shrug as I tuck my hand into my pocket. “I don’t know why.”  
Alex watches me for a few more moments, but he doesn’t say anything as I turn, heading back to the school.


	7. Under The Stars Through Cemetery Backyards

It’s the perfect fall day, the leaves turning golden orange and red overhead. We make our way through the cover of brown fallen leaves, tramping deeper and deeper into the forest as the school disappears behind us. It would be beautiful, other than the crushed beer cans and broken bottles littering the sides of the woods. I wrinkle my nose, seeing a half-empty bottle of vodka lying on its side. It looks recent, probably from a few nights ago. Most likely from one of Craig’s parties. 

“When do people have time to party?” Jack groans. “With all the schoolwork we have?”  
“Beats me,” Alex says. “Iero assigned another essay. Can you believe it? Third week of school.”  
“I know right,” I say, even though I’ve been to several of them. Not all, I’m keeping my grades from slipping too much. The venenum is helping, though I’ve started to cut back on it. Now that there might be a way to get Mike back, the memories aren’t as painful. 

“You’re lucky you have a single,” Jack groans. “Alex was snoring last night.”  
I shrug. “Guess it’s just my luck.” I can’t help but let a tinge of bitterness seep into my voice. I wouldn’t really call it luck, the reason I have a single this year. I’m glad for the privacy though. I didn’t hate sharing with Alex last year. That’s how we became friends. 

“Ever since you became obsessed with the necromancy shit,” Jack says. “You haven’t been the same. Honestly Vic, I really think that you-”  
“You said you were going to help me,” I interrupt, frustration seeping into my voice. “Are you?”  
Jack and Alex exchange a glance but they nod, following me in silence to the ring of stones. We freeze when we get to the clearing. 

There’s a figure standing in the circle of stones, a hood pulled low over his face. The sight of him surprises the three of us and we stop, unsure of what to do. It’s definitely not Mike, that I’m certain of. No, this boy is shorter, only a bit taller than I am. It must be one of the students. If the teachers find out, then we’re screwed.  
“If it’s Craig, I swear,” Jack mutters.   
The boy hears us, freezing. He turns toward us, his hood falling down so his face is revealed. I can only stare at him shocked, speechless. His eyes widen as he takes us in. There’s a moment of silence between the four of us. 

He’s honestly the most beautiful boy I’ve ever seen. His raven dark hair frames his flawless pale face, his eyes a strange color, a mix between blue, green, and gray as if they couldn’t decide which color to choose. 

“Do we know you?” Alex asks, breaking the silence.   
The boy’s eyes flicker to me and I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. “I don’t think so,” he says softly. He has a slight accent but I can’t quite place it.   
“Are you new?” Jack asks.   
“New?” The boy echoes.   
“To the Academy.”  
The boy hesitates, then nods slowly, not taking his eyes off of me. Jack and Alex both turn to look at me, Jack smirking and Alex raising his eyebrows.   
“Are you not from around here?” I ask, stepping closer. He watches me carefully, cautiously, poised to run at any moment.   
“No,” he responds. I step closer again, inside of the stone circle even as Alex hisses at me not to. 

Now that I get a closer look, I can tell something’s off. His skin is too pale, his eyes too bright. I swear I can see his hand turning translucent, seeing the faint forest floor beneath him before he suddenly lunges at me. I stumble backward in shock before the boy winces, holding his neck. Within a heartbeat, he collapses to the ground in front of me. 

For a moment, I think he’s been shot. But there’s no blood. I can only stare in surprise before my instincts kick in. I kneel down next to the boy, turning him on his side. I can see the faint red words fading on his skin. _Sonum. _Sleep.__

__“Really?” I snap at Alex.  
“What? He was scaring me!” Alex protests. “You saw that too!”  
I just roll my eyes. “We can’t just leave him here,” I point out. “We’re gonna get in so much trouble. If he tells them you knocked him out, we’re screwed.”  
“What are we gonna do then?”  
“Take him back to the dorm?” I ask.   
“Are you insane?”  
“Maybe,” I mutter. If we hurry, we can get back before anyone notices. _ _

__I put my fingers against his neck, feeling for a pulse, but there is none.  
“Holy shit,” I mutter. I whirl around, glaring at Alex. “Did you kill him?”   
“What? That was a sleeping spell!”  
“Yeah, well he’s not breathing.”  
“Wait, what?”  
“What do we do?”_ _

__“Vic!” Alex shouts and I look down to see the boy suddenly stirring beneath me. I move to back away, but his eyes open and he grabs my wrist, stopping me. His hand is cold, chillingly so, sending the sensation of ice flooding through my veins, freezing me. Images flash in my mind, a dark empty world, stalagmites and stalactites rising from the ceiling and floor, covered in ice. His extraordinary colored eyes meet mine, fear and confusion flickering through them.  
“What are you?” I manage to stammer out before his eyes roll up again and he collapses again onto the ground._ _


	8. It’s A Long Way Down

The boy is surprisingly light as I gingerly slide my arm under him, lifting him up. Alex hovers next to me, ready to help me, but I shake my head. He’s light enough that I can carry him by myself. It is quite awkward though, trying to maneuver him through the forest, so Jack and Alex help hold branches aside until the four of us reach the side of the school. 

I don’t want to be seen, so I carefully cast an invisibility spell over the two of us, leaving Alex and Jack visible for everyone else to see. 

Alex and Jack get intercepted a few times as we cross the yard. Luckily, I’m not visible, so I make it to the hall and up the stairs into the dorms. It’s a bit hard to get the door open, so at last, I just point my hand at the door, forcing it to pop open without even uttering a word. I kick the door shut, setting the boy on my bed. 

I rest my fingers against his wrist, then move them to the side of his neck. No, I didn’t imagine it before. There’s no pulse, not one at all. As I watch him, I notice his chest isn’t moving either. I let my hand hover just above his lips, but there’s no breath. 

At last, I sit back, watching him from the other side of my room. How the hell is this possible? In all the research I did about necromancy, I never could believe this. He seems alive, in almost every way, other than, you know, the fact that he’s not breathing. So does that make him dead? But I can physically touch him, unlike what I would assume a ghost to be. 

I hear a rustle and look up to see the boy stirring. He sits up, staring at me with his beautiful eyes. A look of alarm flashes across his face as he scans his surroundings, his gaze coming to rest back on me again. 

“Hi,” I say cautiously, standing up slowly as to not alarm him.  
“Hello,” he whispers, his voice slightly raspy. His eyes flit over to the window, then over to the door before back to me again.   
“Are you okay?” I ask. I’m standing a few paces away, just in case something happens again, like when he lunged for me.   
He nods slowly, not taking his eyes off of me. I shift uncomfortably, watching him as I do. He doesn’t seem like he’s going to attack, but he looks on edge.   
“What are you?” I ask. “You’re not—like anything I’ve ever seen before.”  
“I need to go,” he whispers. “Now.”   
“You look human,” I say, electing to ignore him. “But you’re not, are you?”  
“You’re a warlock,” the boy whispers. “I know that.”  
“Are you one too?”  
The boy hesitates, then shakes his head. “Please let me go,” he says.   
“Are you in trouble? Do you need help?”  
“Just let me out,” he pleads.  
“Did we hurt you in any way?”  
He shakes his head, seemingly realizing that I’m not going to give up. He leans back on the bed, propping himself up on his elbows as we watch each other, neither of us certain what to do.   
“Can you get me a glass of water?” he asks finally.  
“Yeah,” I turn toward the door. “Is this—” I spin around to see a dark shape disappear out the window. I run to the window, expecting to see his broken form lying on the ground, but there’s nothing: he’s just gone, leaving just the open window and the drapes fluttering.


	9. It’s Gonna Glow In The Dark

I leave the trap open, refreshing my blood every night, but no one shows up there. When I visit, the only living thing is a squirrel who stares at me through beady eyes before scampering away. There is no sign of Mike, or the boy, or even any other ghost. 

“You’ve been obsessed with the boy,” Alex sighs. The three of us are sitting in a circle on the lawn, enjoying the sunshine. It’s one of the last warm days before the chill of fall sets in and we’re determined to make the best of it. We’re probably supposed to be doing homework, but I can’t help but spill my research to the two of them. All the while, I’m scanning the crowds, hoping to catch sight of the boy, but I don’t.   
“Seriously?” I ask. “I’m just curious.”  
“See?” Jack crows. “Obsessed.”  
“I don’t know,” I say. “He’s just…strange. I shouldn’t have pressed him. He’s magical in some kind of way otherwise he wouldn’t have survived jumping out the window.”  
“Any theories?” Alex asks.   
I shrug, sliding the notebook over to him. “A few.”  
Jack glances over, letting out a low whistle. “That’s not a few, my friend,” he says. “You could write a novel with the information.”   
“Are you going to help me or not?” I sigh.   
“He was cute,” Jack admits, ignoring my question. “Not my type though. Neither is Alex though, but somehow, I’m still attracted to this weirdo.”  
“Hey!” Alex elbows him. “I’m totally your type. You’re literally dating me.”  
Jack just grins, kissing his boyfriend on the cheek.  
“If y’all are gonna get romantic,” I say. “I’m leaving. I have to study for the test that Way is giving.”  
“Don’t deny it,” Jack says as my cheeks go pink.   
“Deny what?” I ask, pretending to not have heard.  
“The boy from the woods. He’s totally your type.”  
“No,” I mutter, my face heating up. “I’m not that into guys.”   
Jack just laughs. “Why else are you so obsessed with him?”  
“I’m not obsessed,” I protest. “It’s just weird, don’t you think?”  
“Entertain us,” Alex says, leaning forward. “For the millionth time you’ve said this.”  
“I think he’s a ghost,” I say, ignoring both of them. “It would make sense, right? He doesn’t have a heartbeat. But he’s still awake and basically alive.”  
Jack sighs. “Maybe? Ghosts exist, yes we know that. But I’ve never seen one look that alive. Usually, they’re a bit more…gone, I guess.” I shudder at his words. Over my time at the school, I have had some pretty unfortunate run-ins with ghosts in the woods or the occasional one that crept into the school. But those ones were nowhere as alive as the boy look. Ghosts, in my experience, were obviously dead, wounds slashed across their chest, skin mottled black and blue. The most haunting part about them was their eyes. They had no iris, just dark holes where their eyes once were. Not like the boy from the woods, with his strangely colored blue-green eyes.   
“Not to mention, you don’t know him. So why was he drawn to your blood?” Jack wonders aloud. “You said it yourself. Ghosts are drawn to the blood of those they are close to.”  
I shrug. “It’s just a theory. I don’t know what else he could be.”

“Hi!” Alex yells at someone across the hall, beckoning her over. I exchange a confused glance with Jack.   
“Alex knows literally everyone, I swear,” I sigh.   
“And everyone knows Alex,” Jack responds, shaking his head. “How is he so popular?”  
Surprisingly, I do recognize the girl who comes over. Out of all the time I spend outside my dorm, which is like none, I have actually met her.   
“This is Jenna,” Alex introduces. “She’s in my spell-casting class.”  
“Hi.” I give Jenna a wave as she comes over. “We met earlier.”  
“Oh, when I ran into you in the hallway,” Jenna laughs. “What are you guys talking about?”  
“Vic’s new boyfriend,” Jack cuts in before I can say anything.  
I throw my crumpled up piece of paper at Jack. “He’s not my boyfriend. I barely even know him.”  
“So, who is this mysterious person?” Jenna asks.   
“He doesn't go to the school,” Jack covers for me quickly.   
“You know about what happened to me, right?” I ask. For some reason, I find myself wanting to include her in our secret. She seems like someone we could trust, besides, she just moved here. Jenna nods quickly, a look of sympathy coming over her face, so I move on quickly. “Well, I—”  
“This dumbass decided to try necromancy,” Jack sighs. “And somehow we managed to trap some strange boy who Vic has the hots for.”  
“Shut up,” I shove Jack over. “We brought him back to the dorms because we had no clue what to do. He wasn’t breathing and he didn’t have a heartbeat. But he woke up and escaped out my window.”  
“Sounds like a ghost,” Jenna remarks. “Though he doesn’t look like one, I’m guessing. Unless Vic’s into some weird shit.”  
“No, he looks like a normal teenager,” I say. “Like he could go to our school.”  
“Humor me,” Jenna leans forward, amusement glinting in her eyes. “Describe him.”  
I glance at Jack and Alex who are also smirking before I sigh. “He’s, I don’t know. He has really strange eyes, like a color that’s not quite blue or green or gray. And dark hair that really frames his face and he—shut up. I’m leaving now.” I glare at the three of them as I pick up my bag. “You three are really annoying, you know that.”  
“Your hypothesis is true,” Jenna tells Jack. “Pretty certain he’s in love.”  
I groan, burying my face in my hands. “Is it wrong that I’m just curious? I just want to know more about him.”  
“You just keep telling yourself that,” Alex nudges me. “I just can’t wait until you see we’re right.”


	10. I’ll Hang Myself In Lights

I lean against the column, rolling the two pills over in my hand before I put them into my mouth, swallowing them, the bitter aftertaste remaining on my tongue. I’ve been craving self-destruction lately. It’s such a nice day out, one of the last nice days in fall, a bit too chilly, but manageable with just my thin jacket. 

Crushed glass litters the steps, probably from one of Craig’s parties. The walls are spray-painted with random words, words I’m too tired to see what they are. This place is supposed to be haunted, but I don’t think it is. It just seems lonely, broken and beaten down, like me. 

I hear footsteps and look up, expecting it to be Jack or Alex or maybe Craig. But it’s not. A boy is sitting a few paces away from me, on the railing of the stairs, watching me with his stunningly colored eyes. It’s the boy from earlier. 

“Vic,” he says, pronouncing my name slowly. “Victor Fuentes.”  
“How did you know my name?” I ask awkwardly. I can’t believe I’m seeing him again. After our last encounter, I’m not exactly certain how to react around him.   
He just smiles at me, making me flush. He jumps down from the railing, landing without a sound, climbing the stairs to stand across from me. He’s honestly quite beautiful, leaning against one of the graffitied columns.   
“What’s your name?” I ask, cutting through the silence. “Since you know mine, I should know yours right?”  
The boy regards me for a few moments, through long lashes, a small smile on his lips. “Kellin,” he says at last.   
“Well, nice to meet you,” I say. I doubt he’s dangerous—the last time, when he was in my room, he didn’t try to hurt me.   
“You too,” Kellin says. He doesn’t seem to be in much of a hurry to leave, unlike last time.   
“You never explained,” I say. “What you are. And how you are….” I don’t want to say the last part.   
“Dead?” Kellin tips his head. “You’re a warlock, aren’t you? You should know that really anything is possible.”  
“Then what are you? A ghost?”  
“Basically,” he says. He shrugs. “I’m dead. Well, obviously not quite. Something in between I think. I’m not quite sure.”  
What were you, you know, before?”  
“I was human,” he says, swinging his legs back and forth. “Or at least kinda. I was a warlock too. A long time ago.”  
Kellin nods. “We usually can’t leave but you trapped me. I don’t come out here often. I’m not supposed to be here. But somehow you gave me an easy way out.”  
“Out of where?”  
“The ghost world,” Kellin says nonchalantly as if he were saying the cafeteria. He sits down across from me. I notice how he has no shadow. There’s no tinkling of glass beneath his sneakers as he shifts his weight. Even as I watch him, he doesn’t breathe, his chest motionless and still. It’s strange, these sorts of details that you wouldn’t notice unless you were looking for them. 

“What’s it like being alive?” Kellin asks out of the blue.   
“What do you mean?” I ask, shifting so I can look at him better.   
He shrugs. “I don’t know,” he says. “It’s just been so long I’ve forgotten. I haven’t been here for so long.”  
“I’m not sure,” I reply. “I honestly forget most of the time that I am alive.”  
“Being alive is a gift,” Kellin says. “You should really appreciate it.” I shiver at his words. Does he know? No, he can’t, right? Unless he saw me take the pills earlier.   
“Yeah, I know,” I sigh. “I guess you don’t really appreciate how beautiful life can be until it’s too late.”

A branch snaps in the distance, making the two of us jump. I hear voices drawing nearer and glance over at Kellin to warn him. Kellin’s eyes widen but before he can duck out of sight, Alex and Jack sprint around the corner.   
“Oh, we found you,” Alex gasps. “We were worried—oh.” His gaze falls on Kellin. “Hello.”  
“Hi,” Kellin says softly. He backs up slightly, edging toward me.   
“That’s the—” Jack glances at Alex before looking at me. “He’s the—”  
“This is Kellin,” I say. Alex raises his eyebrows at me, making me roll my eyes.   
“Is he—” Jack asks. “Like, I mean, did you figure out what he is? Is he—”  
“A ghost,” Kellin finishes. “I’m dead.”

The news doesn’t shock either Alex or Jack as much as I thought it would.   
“So, you were right,” Jack addresses me. “Good to know that you can be once in a while.”  
“Okay, that’s just mean,” I laugh. “What did you guys need me for?”  
“You’re gonna be late for dinner,” Alex responds. “C’mon. You literally haven’t come to dinner for so long.”  
“Fine,” I groan. “I’ve been a bit preoccupied the last few weeks, as you can see.”  
“Oh, we know,” Jack smirks. “We know all about that.”  
“You are so annoying,” I sigh. I turn to Kellin. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” I’m unsure of what his reply will be. But I do want to spend more time with him. To my relief, he smiles and nods.   
“Sure,” he says, tucking his hands into the pockets of his black jacket. “I’d like that.”

I try to ignore Jack’s and Alex’s comments as we head back to the dorms.   
“You should get him to come with us,” Jack says.   
“I think the two of you could really hit it off,” Alex nudges me. I give him a side-eye, unsure of whether he’s being sarcastic or not.   
“Shut up,” I say. “Or I’m not coming with you.”  
“Aw, but you have to,” Jack says, grabbing my arm. “You don’t have a choice.” Alex grabs my other arm, dragging me with them as they march off to the dining hall.   
“Hey Jenna!” Jack yells. “Look what we dragged in!”

I swear, as I turn, I see a flash of black in the forest, but I can’t tell if it’s Kellin or not before the door shuts.


	11. Is There A Cure For This Disease?

Sometimes, Kellin and I stay inside the dorms, sometimes we sneak out, walking aimlessly through the woods. We talk about everything and nothing, just enjoying each other's company. He can pass as another student, as long as no one takes too close of a look at him. It troubles me in some way. Why is he different than any other ghost I’ve encountered?

But I try to push it aside, as Kellin joins me in between classes, hanging out with me, Jack, Jenna, and Alex on the lawn. It’s like he’s just another student—he spends so much time with us it’s easy to pretend that he is. 

I’ve slowed down, only taking it every other day now. I know I should stop. Maybe I can after the next one. Or the one after that. Or right after that. Yes, that’s when I’ll stop. For good. But when the day rolls around, I still find myself reaching for the familiar pill, as if stopping will cause something bad to happen. It’s counterintuitive, I know, it’s so stupid, but I can’t help it. 

None of the other spells have worked. The woods lie empty, no other traces of ghosts other than the faint wailing at night. Every so often, I see the flicker of a shape in the woods, but it’s not my brother and it’s not Kellin. I can’t help feeling empty, like there’s no solution to anything. What if there really is no way? Then what do I do?

Kellin and I race up our usual route, running along the edge of the woods toward the lake. He’s faster than me, obviously, not slowed down by trivial matters such as breathing.   
“You’re so slow,” he teases, backpedaling so he can look at me.   
I flip him off as I chase after him, gasping for air. “ _Trahit,_ ” I mutter under my breath, stopping as my legs cramp up. Kellin turns, ready to taunt me again, but a force drags him backward, straight into me. 

It doesn’t go as planned though, since he knocks me backward into the leaves, landing on top of me.   
“Seriously?” I ask, trying to push him off of me as my face heats up. He props himself up on his elbows, not moving.   
“You cast the spell,” he pointed out. “I’m not moving.” He shifts, making me gasp as his knee digs into my leg.  
“Watch it.” I poke him in the side, trying to get him to move. “You’re going to crush me.”  
“Too bad,” Kellin sighs. “That would be just terrible for you.” As if to prove his point, he lets himself drop down on me, knocking the air out of me.   
“Oof,” I gasp. “Get off of me.”  
“No can do,” Kellin grins, his face inches from mine. I can feel my face heating up, feeling his body pressed against mine. His lips are so close, I could—

I force myself to look away, hoping he’ll catch the hint. Kellin sighs, climbing awkwardly off of me. He holds out his hand, pulling me to my feet. I brush the leaves and dirt off of myself.   
“Wait,” Kellin says softly. He tugs me back, reaching up as I flinch away. “You have leaves in your hair.” I force myself to stand still as he pulls out the leaves. After he’s done, I expect him to let go of my hand, but he doesn’t, pulling me ahead. My face flushes as we walk, hand in hand toward who knows where. 

“Do you know if it is possible to summon the dead?” I ask, out of the blue.   
Kellin turns, glancing back at me curiously. “I’m not sure,” he says.   
“I mean, I summoned you,” I point out. “So it must be possible.”  
Kellin looks troubled for a moment. “That’s different,” he mutters. “Most ghosts won’t recognize the living, especially if they’ve been gone too long.”  
“Then what about you?” I know I’m being nosy, but I need to find my brother.   
He lets go of my hand, dropping his gaze. “I don’t know,” he says. “But you won’t be able to do it, take my word for it. That’s not how warlock magic works.”

We’re silent the rest of the way back. Eventually, Kellin splits off from me, disappearing into the woods. I head back to the school, my heart hammering in my chest. The thoughts are whirling around in my mind. I failed. There’s nothing I can do. He’s really gone, then. I’ve failed him. I race up the steps toward my dorm room, rummaging in my backpack. My hopes have fallen again, the knowledge that Mike’s really gone weighing heavily on me.   
“Shit,” I mutter. I’m out. I need it all to stop, I need it all to go away right now. I try to take a deep breath, but I can’t. Before I know it, I’m pounding on Craig’s door. 

Craig’s brow furrows as he opens the door.   
“What do you want?” he asks. “I thought you said you were stopping.” I did, didn’t I? When I was still lost in the idea that I could actually get him back.   
“Well, I guess I changed my mind.”  
“You shouldn’t,” Craig says. “Honestly, Vic.”  
“Just give them to me.” I don’t have any patience right now to deal with him. I need to forget and forget now.   
Craig hesitates and I glare at him. “Please,” I beg. “I need it. Why do you even care? You don’t even know me. I’m just a customer to you.”  
Something flashes over his face, and finally, he nods, handing me a familiar bottle. “Be careful,” he calls as I run back toward my room. “Don’t do anything stupid.” But it might be too late for that.


	12. Mayday, I’m In Trouble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: drug use/overdose

As soon as I can, I pop three of the pills into my mouth, closing my eyes as I lean against the door. In my mind, Mike stands before me, laughing, alive. I let out a shuddering breath, feeling tears spill over my cheeks, the saltiness stinging the cuts on my face. The pain is good though, I deserve it, after what I’ve failed to do. 

Again and again, the day flashes through my mind, the memories building up, even as I try to force myself to focus on my room. Breathe, I tell myself. Focus on something happy. I try to focus on the day. It was sunny out today. A good thing. I spent the afternoon with Kellin, that was good. Until I realized that my hopes had been futile from the start, that my plan was doomed. 

I can’t stop the torrents of memories from pouring in this time, my heart hammering in my chest as I struggle to breathe. Blood, so much blood, pouring over the room. The gleaming knife glowing blue. My brother, my poor younger brother, lying there, dead as I failed to save him. 

“Fuck!” I scream. The window beside me shatters in a flash of purple light. It feels good to break something, my heart racing in my chest. For a wild moment, I want to throw myself out of it, let myself fall until I hit the ground. Then I’ll actually see him again and apologize for not being enough. 

I was supposed to protect him. That was my job—the only one that mattered at least. As his older brother, I was supposed to defend him from the world, keep him safe and alive. We never knew our parents, ever since we were young. I defended him for so long, fed him, kept him alive. I kept fires going when our lips went blue and our fingers went numb from the cold. I stole food and money when we needed it. I worked day and night until we could finally get a place to call our own. I did everything I could think of to keep him happy, or at least happy enough. And we were doing well, we were doing okay until that day. The day when I failed my one and only job. 

I sink to the floor, burying my face in my hands as I let out a loud sob. The air crackles around me, red, purple, and blue, little statics of electricity clinging to my clothing. I struggle to take in a breath. Think something happy, I tell myself. Calm down. But no matter what I do, my mind flashes back to him, of what I failed to do.

As a last ditch measure, I reach into the pocket of my hoodie. My heart is racing as I fumble with the pill bottle cap, finally prying it off. I take in a shuddering breath, drying my face as I pour some out onto my hand. I can’t see how many through my tears, but I don’t care. My hand shakes as a few more tumble out. I’m shaking too much to put them back. I just need it to stop. I need it all to stop right now. My hand shakes as I turn them over in my hand. It’s dangerous, I know, but I need it all to stop right now. I can’t wait anymore, the desperation in me is growing. I need it all to stop, need it all to go away. I need to peaceful darkness, I can’t take it, not for one more second, I need to—

I pop the pills into my mouth, swallowing them as the bitter taste floods my tastebuds. Closing my eyes, I wait, resting my head in my hands. I’m so tired of everything right now, all I want to do is sleep. Icy coolness floods through me, relief making me go weak as I slump against the wall, breathing hard as my heart rate slows from its blind sprint. I’m okay now. I open my eyes taking another deep breath before I push myself up from the ground. 

That was a mistake. My head spins as I double over, the world lurches around me. I’m back on the floor in an instant, gasping as molten pain floods through my stomach. I can’t breathe, agony pouring through me as I sink onto my side, darkness ebbing over the sides of my vision. I try to call out for help, but I doubt anyone hears me, from where I’m lying. I know I’ve gone too far this time. I’m so so scared right now. I’m going to die, I know it. My heart pounds in my ears, a reminder of what I’ve just done. Every time I try to take a breath, I can’t. Even as I try to fight it, my strength fails and I feel myself being pulled farther and farther away. 

As the darkness finally closes over my vision, I think I see Kellin standing in front of me, his eyes wide with horror, but he’s gone before I can tell.


	13. Why The Fuck Am I Falling Apart?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey fellas. sorry for the last cliffhanger lmao. I haven't had too much inspiration to write (especially this story) lately, but here's the chapter for this week as promised. Thanks for reading!

It’s like I’m floating. I’m disconnected from all of my senses, drowning in a pool of darkness. It’s almost nice, the quiet nothingness, free from worry, free from everything. Every so often, I hear a strange rush of air, followed by a quiet pulse, but they start to fade away, getting quieter and quieter, until there’s just silence. 

Then it’s like I’m shocked. Pain floods through my whole body, an uncomfortable sensation spreading through my chest as if I’ve been stabbed. Light floods in front of my eyes, painfully bright. 

As I open my eyes, I see my brother, standing in front of me, the all-too familiar gash torn across his neck, his soulless eyes dark. He snarls at me, lunging to gouge out my eyes before I’m yanked backward. 

I’m standing in the forest, bodies strewn across the floor around me. I look down at my hands, horrified to see they’re covered in blood. Actually, no. I’m fully drenched in blood, the sticky scarlet soaked through my clothing, saturating my skin. I take a step forward, the world rocking around me as I look down at the first body. It’s Alex, a gash torn across his chest, the white of bone showing through. I let out a scream, but no sound comes out. My eyes travel to the body next to him, his hand still in Alex’s. Jack’s lying half across Alex, as if he tried to protect his boyfriend, even with his last breaths. I stumble backward, bile rising in my throat. My eyes travel across the clearing, seeing Jenna there as well. No, this can’t be happening. This really can’t be happening. I stumble backward, trying to get as far away from the sigh as possible. 

A hand grabs my shoulder and I whirl around to see Kellin standing there. Relief floods me as I rush toward him, holding him close to me.   
“Are you okay?” I ask, breathlessly. “Kellin?” I pull back to see him still standing there, his black eyes meeting mine.   
“Vic, what did you do?” he asks, his voice hollow.   
“What do you mean?” I question.   
He looks at me blankly, no looks through me, as if I’m not even standing in front of him. “How could you do this?” he asks. “Why would you?”  
I look at him, confused as he continues to stares straight through me. “Wake up,” he pleads, his voice breaking. “Please wake up, Vic. Please don’t die. Please, please, please.” I frown, confused. I’m awake. I’m right here. What does he mean?  
I turn, following his gaze to see the bodies have disappeared, except for one. As I turn back, Kellin’s gone. Instead, he’s kneeling beside the body—no, my body. I’m lying on the forest floor, staring into the sky, unmoving. Kellin shouts something to the other figures that suddenly form beside him. I walk toward him, kneeling down so I can look at him. He doesn’t react, even as I rest my hand on his shoulder. Tears are running down his face as he says something, but I can’t hear what he’s saying. One of the other figures—Jack pulls him backward, keeping him out of the way as Alex holds his hands over my body, saying something in Latin. 

I’m jolted back into the living world, pain flooding through my head. When I try to sit up, the world tilts around me, making me throw up everything in my stomach. Finally, the dizziness subsides and my vision starts to clear. 

“Thank god.” I hear someone say. “Take a deep breath, Vic. That’s it.” I realize I’m lying on the floor of my dorm room. 

There’s a rush of black before arms wrap around me. It’s Kellin, holding me tightly, tears still running freely down his cheeks.   
I try to hold him too, but I’m still too weak, the world slowly coming back into focus around me. 

Alex and Jack are kneeling right beside us. Relief shoots through me as I see them sitting there, alive. So it wasn’t real. They’re okay.   
“How are you feeling?” Jack asks me carefully.   
“Okay,” I whisper, my voice still hoarse. I feel like I’ve gotten hit by three sixteen wheeler trucks in a row. My whole body hurts, my head pounding. Kellin tightens his grip around me, not letting go.  
Alex is silent for the longest time, watching me. “What the hell were you thinking?” he asks, his voice growing louder. “This stuff kills you!” Alex yells. “What the fuck Vic?”  
I wince, the combination of the loudness and his words stinging me.   
“Do you know what it was like, having Kellin find you like that?” Alex yells. “And hearing him screaming for us because you weren’t breathing?” Shit. So it was Kellin who found me. Guilt runs through me as Kellin holds me tighter at Alex’s words. He still hasn’t said a word to me, opting instead to bury his face in my shoulder.   
“I’m sorry,” I choke out. My lip trembles as a tear spills down my cheek. I hastily reach up around Kellin, brushing it away. I take a deep breath, struggling to continue. “I’m sorry.”

Kellin suddenly pulls away from me, startling me. He faces me, his face wet with tears. Alex and Jack exchange a glance before they back out of the room, leaving the two of us together.


	14. Burn Like You Never Have Before

There’s a moment of silence after the door slams shut. Kellin and I just stare at each other. I’m not certain how he’ll react, he still hasn’t said a word to me. We’re sitting so close to each other that I’m holding my breath without even realizing it until my lungs start to ache. For a moment, I’m not certain if he’s going to slap me or kiss me.

“Why would you do this to yourself?” Kellin breaks the silence first, tears flooding his eyes.   
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m sorry, okay?”  
Kellin pauses and I shrink back, seeing the anger in his eyes. “That’s it?” he asks.   
“You wouldn’t get it,” I mutter, dropping my head into my hands.   
“Wouldn’t get it?” Kellin’s eyes flash angrily. Guilt runs through me as I realize what I just said. “Vic, I’ve spent years, dead and alone, watching everyone else live around me. Trust me, I’ve seen everything.”  
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m sorry, just leave me alone.”  
“You were searching for someone weren’t you?” Kellin asks. “When you accidentally trapped me.”  
I just shrug, looking away. I don’t want to talk about it. It won’t make me feel better if I do.   
“Talk to me,” Kellin pleads. “Please talk to me. Holding it in won’t help.”  
I just shake my head, starting to stand up, but the world tilts around me again and I’m back in Kellin’s arms before I realize it.   
“You were trying to summon someone,” Kellin says softly. It’s not a question but I find myself nodding.   
“Who?” he asks softly.   
“I was trying to find my brother,” I sigh.   
“Your brother?” Kellin asks.   
I nod. “My younger brother. He died last year.”  
“I’m sorry,” Kellin whispers, he takes my hand in his, his fingers cold against my skin.   
“I just wanted to tell him I’m sorry,” I choke out. “It’s my fault he died.”  
Kellin’s grip tightens on my hand. “I highly doubt that.”  
“We never knew our parents,” I explain. “It was my job to take care of him, but I couldn’t. And he died in front of me and I couldn’t do anything about it.”  
“It’s not your fault,” Kellin says. “He doesn’t blame you, so you shouldn’t. You need to live for him. Take it from someone who is literally dead, the worst part of it is seeing those you love struggle and not being able to do anything about it.”   
Tears well up in my eyes and I brush them away. “I’m sorry you had to see this,” I whisper.  
“I was so scared,” Kellin admits. “I found you lying on the floor and you were just—“  
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. I can feel tears sliding down my face as I hurriedly brush them away. “It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have—I should have—” the words are hard to get out.  
“Shh,” Kellin whispers. He reaches over, brushing away my tears. “It’s okay.”   
“It’s not,” I whisper. I keep my gaze fixed on the floor, not wanting to meet his gaze.  
“You’re going to be okay,” he whispers. “I’m here for you.” I just nod, too worn out to argue. I’m resting my head against his shoulder, my eyelids drooping shut.   
Kellin sighs and I feel myself being half-lifted as he helps me to my feet. He half-carries me over to my bed, pulling the blankets over me. “Do you not want me to stay?” He asks. “I can go if you want. But Alex or Jack are gonna want to stay with you.”   
I shake my head. “Can you stay?” I whisper.   
He nods, watching me as I lie down. I can hear him as he sits down on the floor, leaning against the bed frame. He doesn’t need to sleep, I remember.   
“Come here?” I ask, my voice sounding small, even to my own ears. Kellin lies down next to me without hesitation, pulling me close to him. I close my eyes, feeling his head rest against my shoulder.   
“Promise me you won’t ever do this again,” he whispers. “Please promise me.”  
“I promise,” I whisper.   
“You’re going to be okay,” he tells me. “You’re going to be fine.” And the funny thing is, I actually find myself believing him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, i did finally update. sorry for the wait. this story is on a bit of a hiatus right now.


	15. We Had To Learn The Hard Way

The first few days are the hardest. Every breath I inhale, every single waking moment, the need digs into my mind. Every part of my body aches, longing for another taste, another pill. It’s like hunger, clawing at the insides of my throat, desperately trying to escape. It’s the feeling of going without water for too long, when my throat is parched and dry, and there’s a cup right in front of me, but I when I reach for it, it moves farther away.

And I want the relief so badly, I crave it with every breath I take. I want the feeling of surfacing from the bottom of the pool and taking that first deep breath as oxygen floods through my body. I want the sweet taste of water after dehydration has robbed my body of it for too long. I want to wash away the memories and pretend that nothing ever happened. It’s easier that way. 

My whole body feels like it’s crawling. Like there are flames bursting across my skin, pain prickling up my arms. I can hardly sit still, shifting in my chair every few minutes. The memories bubble in my mind, whispering into my ears. I want them to go away, want them all to disappear. It would only take one, just for them to disappear. It takes everything in me to stay still, to not turn and reach for the bottle that I know isn’t there. 

But Kellin sits there, watching me the entire time, so I don’t. He tries to distract me, tries to make me laugh. It’s either him, Jack, Alex, or Jenna. Between the four of them, I’m not left alone, not even for a moment. The gesture warms my heart, even through the annoyance. They’re sticking by me, unwaveringly, despite what I’ve done, not flinching when I scream at them or cry. Usually, it’s Kellin staying with me though, since he doesn’t have other obligations. He sits with me all night, keeping watch over me when I try to fall asleep. And though I’m annoyed the first few times, snapping at him to leave me alone, and stop hovering over me, I find myself becoming more and more okay with him constantly being there. It could be worse, I tell myself. He could have just decided to never see me again and disappear back to who knows where. At least he stayed. 

He’s there when I wake up from my nightmares, seeing my brother die in front of me all again, comforting me and soothing me. He’s there, waiting after every class, walking with me to my next one or to my dorm. We never really talk what happened afterward, but he lets me know that he’s there if I need him. Half the time, I wonder if he’s there to reassure me or himself, to check that I’m still here. No matter what, it warms my heart, the knowledge that he really cares, that all of them do. They really care about me. The knowledge motivates me, keeping me going. I’m going to be okay, for all of them. 

Those two weeks drag by, the time slowing down everytime I take a breath, reminding me of what happened and what I’m missing. But everything starts to get a bit easier. With Kellin there to distract me, I can feel the pull, the urge fading with the day. As long as he’s here, he’s all I need.


	16. I Don’t Want To Die Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I updated? Wow its a miracle. Haha sorry, I'll probably pick this project up eventually.

The days start to fly by, one by one. As I walk from class to class, the days start to shorten and the nights become longer and longer. It’s colder out now, cold enough that I wake up freezing in my room if I leave the window open. Kellin’s spending less and less time with me, now that he’s assured himself that I’m not going to break. He doesn’t stay in my room anymore, instead leaving me when its lights out. I find myself missing him, feeling the familiar emptiness and longing. He disappears for weeks on end, only showing up to say hello a few times. Whenever I ask him, he brushes it off or ignores me completely. 

“How are you?” Kellin asks out of the blue. We’re sitting in my room, me on my bed, him on the floor, leaning against the closet door.   
“I’m good,” I say, looking up from the sheets of equations I’ve been staring at.   
“That’s good,” Kellin echoes softly. I sneak a glance over at him to see him watching me.   
“What is it?” I ask.   
He shakes his head. “Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”  
“No, really.” I put my pen down, looking over at him. “Where have you been?”  
Kellin just shrugs, avoiding my gaze. “You know,” he says lightly. “Ghost things.”  
I can he doesn’t want to talk about it so I drop the subject.   
“I should head out,” Kellin says abruptly. I nod, slightly taken aback. There are still a few hours of daylight left—he usually doesn’t leave until dusk.   
“I’ll see you tomorrow?” I ask, watching him as he heads toward the door.  
“Yeah,” he says. “See you.” He shuts the door before I can respond, leaving me alone in my room.

~*~*~*~*~

“Have you guys talked to Kellin recently?” I ask.   
“Yeah, the other day,” Alex responds as he holds the door open for someone passing by. “Why?”  
“Do you think he’s acting strange?” I ask.   
“Not really,” Alex frowns. “What? Have you noticed something?”  
I shrug. “He’s been just acting kind of distant. I was wondering if there’s something wrong.”  
“It’s probably nothing,” Jack grins suddenly, nudging me. “Oh, you have it bad.”  
“Shut up.” I swat him away, my cheeks burning. Jack shoots Alex a mischievous glance and I frown.  
“What?” I ask.   
Alex just laughs, shaking his head at Jack. “We got you tickets for the dance,” he says. Oh, homecoming. I had completely forgotten about it, after everything that happened. Not like I was going to go anyway.   
“Why?” I ask. “We’ve literally never gone.”  
“Do we really have to go over this?” Jack asks. “Because we don’t trust you to be alone anymore.”  
“Fine, Mom,” I mutter.   
Alex just gives me a look, making me shake my head. “So, is it just going to be the four of us?”  
Jack nods. “No, Jenna got asked to some dance at another school. It’ll just be a boys night out.”  
You guys just sit with me in the corner?” I ask.  
“If we have to, we will,” Alex says.   
“I don’t want to intrude,” I say softly. “You two should have a good time. I don’t want you guys to think you have to take care of me.”  
“We will, even if you don’t want us to,” Jack says. I can tell they’re not going to back down.   
“Don’t you need a date or something?” I mutter, trying to look for an excuse.   
“We’re all going together.”  
“You want me to third wheel on the two of you?” I ask.  
“You won’t be third wheeling,” Alex says.   
“Oh, we didn’t mention?” Jack grins. “Kellin’s taking you.”


	17. Hold My Heart It’s Beating For You Anyway

“I haven’t been to a dance in so long,” Kellin says. We’re standing at the entrance to the gym. Even from here, I can see the brightly flashing lights and hear the loud bass of the music. He seems to be back to his normal self, acting as if he’s been here all along.   
“Honestly, neither have I,” I laugh. “I never go to these things.”  
He raises an eyebrow at me. “Why not?”  
I shrug. “Cause there’s unnecessary drama. And really terrible music and even worse dancing.”  
“But the free food and drinks?” Kellin asks. “I’d take that as a win.”  
“Do we have to stay here?” I ask. “For the entire night?”  
“I promised Jack and Alex I would make sure you did,” Kellin says.   
“Oh, and guess where those two hypocrites are?” I mutter. “In their dorm room. They had to force me to go to some lame high school dance.”  
Kellin just gives me a look. I know what he’s thinking of.   
I sigh, dropping my gaze. “I’m clean and sober,” I say. “I promise.”  
“I hope so,” Kellin sighs. I feel guilty, knowing that he had to be the one to find me.   
“You can pat me down if you want,” I say, lifting my arms. “And search my room. I promise I’m done.”  
Kellin nods, but he doesn’t look completely satisfied, so I change the subject.   
“So when do you think we can get out of here?” I ask. I see Kellin’s glance and sigh. “You can come with me,” I say. “We can just watch a stupid movie or something in my room.”  
Kellin gives me another one of his glances and I groan. “C’mon, please? I don’t want to be stuck here.”  
“Hey, I got dressed up for this,” Kellin teases. It’s not like he can, one of the downsides to being a ghost. “You didn’t even try.”  
“One, no you didn’t. Two, I’m wearing basically the same outfit as you are,” I groan. “Why are you so annoying?”  
He just shrugs. “You’re the most fun I’ve had in literally forever.”   
My face flushes, but thankfully, he doesn’t seem to notice. He links his elbow with mine. “Let’s go have fun,” he says. “C’mon.”  
I don’t put up much of a fight, allowing him to drag me into the gym. 

Thankfully, Kellin doesn’t make me dance. We just sit at the edge of the gym, eating chips and drinking terribly sweet fruit punch, watching the other students jump around aimlessly. I’m starting to get tired, so I rest my head on my hand, closing my eyes. Kellin nudges me, making my eyes spring open.  
“What?” I ask.   
“You’re falling asleep already?” he asks.   
“Some of us actually need sleep,” I groan. “We can’t just be forever awake.”  
“Then get some.”  
“That’s easier said than done,” I glare at him. “Seeing is I’m forced to sit at a dance with someone who wasn’t even invited.”  
“Jack and Alex invited me,” Kellin protests. “You just didn’t know about it.”  
“They told me yesterday,” I sigh. “They couldn’t have even asked? We literally could have just hung out or whatever we usually do.”  
Kellin shrugs. “We can always do that tomorrow.” I look at him curiously. Is he suggesting that we hang out tomorrow?  
“I’d like that,” I say awkwardly. Kellin just nods, looking away from me. 

At last, the song switches to a slower one and I give a sigh of relief. That means that the dance should be over soon. Anyway, the pounding bass was starting to give me a headache. My relief vanishes when I look up to see Kellin grinning at me.  
“No,” I say immediately. “No way in hell.”  
“Just one dance?” Kellin begs. “Please? Then we can go.”  
“The dance is ending,” I groan. “You couldn’t have suggested this deal earlier?”  
He just grins at me, holding out his hand. “Please? Just once?”  
I can feel myself blushing, but I sigh, taking his hand and allowing him to lead me out onto the dance floor. 

“I have no clue how to do this,” I mutter. “I’ve literally never done this before.”  
“It’s not that hard,” he says. “Just put your hands here.” When I don’t move, he grabs my hands, putting them around his waist. His touch sends butterflies fluttering in my stomach. He places his hands on my shoulders, pulling me closer. “Then we just kinda sway.”

He’s so close to me, I’m surprised he doesn’t feel my heart racing. I’m acutely aware of everything, how he’s watching me, a grin plastered to his face, the way his hands are on my shoulders. 

Finally, the song ends and I drop my hands, stepping away from him, but he catches my wrist, linking his arm with mine. I raise my eyebrow at him, but he ignores me, leading me out of the grand hall and toward the staircase in the back.   
“I’m keeping my promise,” he says as we push through the crowd.   
I just roll my eyes at him, but I can’t help but smile as we head up the stairs, taking them two at a time.   
“So, do you want to hang out tomorrow?” Kellin asks.   
“If you want,” I say. “Tomorrow’s a weekend. No classes, just a shit ton of homework.”  
He smiles at my words. “C’mon. Race you.” He lets go of my arm, running up the steep stairs toward the eastern tower.   
“No fair!” I yell, chasing him up the stairs. 

The two of us are out of breath as we stumble down the hallway toward my room, laughing and gasping for air. We stop at the door to my room as I twist the lock, opening it.   
“This is where I’ll leave you,” Kellin murmurs. My heart drops in disappointment. I thought he would want to spend the night or at least stay with me a little longer. He seems to see my expression because he takes my hand, pressing his lips to it. “Good night. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He leaves me standing there, as I rest my head against my door, smiling uncontrollably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, I still exist? Sorry about that. Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it, happy ordinary day to anyone who doesn't.


End file.
